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Inspirational Stories Point Guide

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1

You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..................0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom................-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings..........+5
in the snow........................................................+8
but return with beer...............................................-5
and no liners.....................................................-25

AT THE PARTY:
You stay by her side the entire party...............................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.............................................-2
Named Tiffany......................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...............................................-10
With breast implants..............................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY:
You remember her birthday...........................................0
You buy a card and flowers..........................................0
You take her out to dinner..........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...........................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......................-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:
Go with a pal.......................................................0
The pal is happily married.........................................+1
The pal is single..................................................-7
He drives a Ferrari...............................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)......................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie............................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes..................................+4
You take her to a movie you hate...................................+6
You take her to a movie you like...................................-2
It's called Death Cop 3............................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.............-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable pot belly................................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.............................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."..................-80

THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?
You hesitate in responding........................................-10
You reply, "Where?"...............................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your a$$"...........................-100
Any other response................................................-20

COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.......................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes....................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience..........+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"............................-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep..............-200


The 12 days of a Parrot Lovers Christmas
Posted by Santa's Winged Helpers

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me A parrot in a play tree...
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me Two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me Three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree....

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree....

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree....

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eight macaws a-screamin, Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Nine Nandays calling, Eight macaws a-screamin, Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Ten types of vacuums, Nine Nandays calling, Eight macaws a-screamin, Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eleven Lories lunging, Ten types of vacuums, Nine Nandays calling, Eight macaws a-screamin, Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Twelve online chatrooms, Eleven Lories lunging, Ten types of vacuums, Nine Nandays calling, Eight macaws a-screamin, Seven Senegals swinging, Six grays a-playing, Five A. E. cages.... Four clinging Toos, three breeding pairs, two fancy doves and a parrot in a play tree...


Sad Tale of Woe for Poor Tom the Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother mike took me out on the stoop. then he sat me down and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.. . . . . black November!!! come about august, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.

And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning when you're warm in your bed, in'll burst the farmer's wife and hack off your head!!!!

Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're bald 'n pink and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin'in the sink. And then comes the worst part, he said, not bluffing. She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat. I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, and decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; but 'twas I who was laughing under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed ever closer to death;

and sure enough, when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. so, now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

she held me today, while sewing and humming. and smiled at me and said: "Christmas is coming. . . . . .


HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

*Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

*Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

*Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

*Rottweiler: Make me.

*Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

*Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

*Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture..

*Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

*Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

*Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

*Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

*Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

*Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

*Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

*Greyhound: If it isn't moving, who cares?

*Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

*Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

*Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

*Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: "How long will it be before I can expect light?"


God's Wings An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings. After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage. One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree. Some were sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he gently struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.

The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. Then the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched her small body, the mother had remained steadfast.

Because she had been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live. "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge." (Psalm 91:4). Being loved this much should make a difference in your life. Remember the One who loves you, and then be different because of it.


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