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Exotic pets, rodents and birds

Stories - psycho members only

"Gather around all of you. Quickly!" squeaked out Chewie Louie. "What is it? What is the problem?" asked Miss Pissy Wraps.

"It seems our humans have forgotten that we are not just pretty play toys for their amusment" explained Chewie. "We must teach them a lesson!" "Yes! Yes!" wheeked out all of the herd in unison.

"How can we do that?" snarled Bitter Apple Ass. "All they want us for is to play with our coats!" I can hear it now "Sit still now my Bitter Baby. Stay on the board now Bitter Baby. Don't wee wee on your coat, Bitter dear. Don't chew your sweeps, Bitter my love. All the while the Bitch is spraying that shitty tasting apple crap all over us."

"Exactly" shouted Chewie.

"And don't forget those stupid wraps. Your hair pulled up so tight in that piece of paper with a rubberband snapped around it" snipped Shaved-2-Soon.

"I have got an idea." squealed Hardly-a-hair-left. "lets be on our best behavior for a while. let our hair grow long. then they will take us to one of those stupid shows and brag to their friend about all the trouble THEY go through for US. Well as soon as the show is over and they get their precious ribbon and that first leg, then we will chew the hell out of our coats."

"Great Idea, Hardly!!!!" the herd said.

"Wait, Wait" cried WandatheWicked as she rolled over on top of the waxy plug that had just falled out of her vent. "Instead of chewing all of our coat, lets just chew off one sweep and leave the rest long and luxurious."

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" The herd chanted in unison. "We will teach the humans to listen to us. Soon they will be writing great literary works about us and how we taught them a thing or two...........

The original, then the intellectual's version:

The old orange boar walked slowly across the town square. It was early and he liked the quiet of the town before everyone was awake. He pushed the door to the cafe open and went to his usual corner booth. He ordered his usual cup of green grass juice.

"Good morning, Mr. Roman", said a perky young waitress. "You're right on time today"!

The old boar looked up and smiled. He looked around the room and realized that he was related to nearly every other cavy in the room, daughters, granddaughters, sons, wives and ex-wives, nieces and nephews. He sat there drinking his morning brew and thought over what a wonderful life he had had. He remembered his times on the show table and his many wins.

The little cafe filled up and emptied back down as most went their way to work, school and homes. Still he sat. He felt a bit lonely with nobody his age around.

Shortly a huge, grizzled black boar came in. Seeing the orange boar he wheeked "Good morning, Red!"

The orange boar whirled around. Only one boar could possibly remember his childhood nickname of Red. Was it? Yes, it was Blackie. He jumped up and did his best rumble strut across the room

"Hello, old friend" he wheeked.

The two friends embraced and then went back to the booth together. There was much grunting and wheeking as they discussed old times and enjoyed each other. Finally they were quiet. Sipping their grass tea they let their close friendship seep into their souls. This was what friends are for. To fill the empty holes in our lives! Friends are important and true friends are part of our strength.

As the old gents got up to leave they rumble strutted out the door, each trying to outdo the other. Each with a warmth, not from the morning tea, but from their friendship.

Going home, the orange boar, walked with a new vigor and cheer! Somehow the morning was brighter, the birds sang more sweetly!



This is a ridiculous tale of some old has-been brood boar traipsing around town. It was early-- quiet, just the way he liked it. He went inside an eating establishment and was immediately served by the waitstaff, who also happened to be of the cavy kind. Of course he is greeted in American English with some trite small talk. Meanwhile he is thinking how he'd love to boink the waitress since she's so cute and looks to be at least 24 ounces. Shunning any chow, he orders green grass juice; since his molars have overgrown, chewing is a bitch.

With a Jim Kirk smirk, the old boar surveyed the room. He realized that he was related to nearly every other cavy here, having worked his mojo in copious amounts for several seasons now. Why, just the other day, he'd learned he was his own grandpa! A neat inbreeding trick, to be sure. He remembered the show table of yesteryear and all the First of Ones he had amassed. That was before Damned ARBA grouping!

The little cafe filled up with pet shop shit and emptied back down as most went their way to the Broker, the neighbor kids, and the Bird of Prey Foundation. Still, he sat. Ever seen a cavy sit? Pretty neato. Anyways, now is the place to impress some Human Emotion onto this cavy with the brain stem that weighs three grams. Boo hoo hoo just a lonely old has-been boar. Even the waitress ignores him.

Shortly a huge, grizzled black boar came in. Seeing the orange boar he wheeked "Good morning, Red!"

Red just about shit a brick. He thought he'd run that Grizzled Bastard outta town. He jumped up and did his best not to trip over his long, Dracula-curled toenails that his fucking owner hadn't trimmed in 15 months. Worst fears confirmed. It was El Diablo Negro.

"Hello, old friend" he wheeked.

Had he heard correctly? The Black Devil was calling him friend? Either the judge at the last show dropped ole' grizzley on his head, or Blackie forgot about the incident when Red tried to castrate him with his teeth.

The two boars sized each other up. Each tried to bodily shove the other outta the building. Here is where some Kewpie announces "oh look how cute! They're embracing!" There was much grunting and wheeking and finally Red thought to himself, "I haven't had a sow in 11 days. I wonder what Blackie would say to a little snugglebottoms? Turns out, they discussed old times and really enjoyed each other. Finally they were quiet. More of that damned drink was consumed, only instead of green grass juice, it's now grass tea. Can't the author make up her mind? Something was seeping but we won't get into that right now. It's great to have a friend fill your empty hole. True friends are the best, but a regular friend will due in a pinch. Make sure their deodorant is extra strength.

As the old gents got up to leave, the waitress was heard to grumble, "where's my damned tip?"

They rumbled out the door, each trying to do the other. This is a great place for a sentence fragment.

Going home, the, orange boar! tripped again over too many ill-placed punctuation marks. Insert cheer. No, this isn't from England or Australia. You thought they had the monopoly on cheer? Besides, these greasy boars could use some detergent.

I heard a bird. Annie get your gun.

[I hope I'm not going to Hell for this. Second story is MY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY. ]

50 ways to remove a Kewpie

By Diana Armstrong

We are sorry, but your membership to the [insert reputable list name here] has been suspended. Pending further investigation, you will almost certainly be banned for one or more of the following infraction(s).

1) rearing sorry-ass stock, then crying to the list when it fails to thrive.
2) spending large amounts of cash on medical bills for an elderly rodent while your own children do without_______ (fill in blank)
3) Trying to dupe the GPRelay into driving cavies over from the U.K.
4) Posting in (_)Swahili (_)Swedish (_)other offensive language if containing snarky remarks
5) Anti-breeding sentiment (our files indicate you have four kids you hypocrite)
6) posting virus warnings that aren't sufficiently humorous
7) Threatening to sell out (we're sick of your lies!)
8) Typing "git" more than once in a 12-month period
9) Claiming alfalfa kills cavies
10) Giving your (_) puppy (_) kitty (_) anaconda a cavy as a toy, then screaming when your pet actually plays with the (_)cavy (_)cavy's remains
11) repeatedly making references to cavy "fur"
12) asking the SAME dumb genetics question more than 6 times a year. Read a book dummy.
13) Referring to cavy pups as "children". This ain't no fairy tale.
14) Bragging about your cavy's 12 legs. Go breed another good one. If you can.
15) Lying on your ass collecting welfare, while ignoring your kids and letting the state pay for cavy chow.
16) Improper use of the controlled energy source "pelvic fusion". Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
17) Improper use of galvanized metal stocktank water containers
18) Attempting to produce exhibition stock from an American and a Peruvian breeding and complaining of the result.
19) Incessant whining about the unfairness and unattainability of the Standard of Perfection and desire to alter same.
20) Bragging about being in the cavy fancy over (_)30 years (_) 31 years.
20) Injecting your cavy month after month with anti-parasite remedies. Is your place really that buggy?
21) Gathering 'free' stock for a good cause, and then keeping all the best for yourself
22) Claiming that a show's attendance was down because all the other exhibitors don't want to show against you and your stunningly magnificent animals.
23) Your signature is five miles long!
24) Threatening to damage judging careers for no reason.
25) Building beautiful websites with false cavy health information
26) Turning inside out when someone suggests that cavies are a good source of food for humans. Please turn back now.
27) You unsubbed innocent members from your list because someone told you they were "psycho" members.
28) Your membership at the "Rainbow Bridge Internet Memorial Site" has been revealed. Give your kids the $25 bucks next time.
29) You're homophobic. Go away.
30) You threatened to unsub too many times. Here, let me help you.
31) You wrote to the list using your "Jonas" persona. If you can't keep your multiple personalities under control, then you are banned. And you. And you over there.
32) You spelled the list owners name (_)Lindzy (_)Lindsay (_)Lindey (_) Lindsey (_)Linseed (_)Lizza Minelli
33) You had neuticals installed in your (_)dog (_)cavy (_)self. This is a neutical-free zone.
34) You dissed the variety D.A.L.M.A.T.I.A.N.
35) Medical examination reveals that your brains are in your ovaries. Take your baby cavy children to the GPDD.
36) Your false accusations of theft have been brought to our attention by the carpenters union. The construction workers who took your nursing sows are suing your paranoid ass. As soon as they all return from Las Vegas.
37) You are an accused psychocavy spy. Following extradition proceedings you will be (_)decapitated at dawn by a falling fence (_) placed into a cooler with Michelob Light and Dry Ice (_)banged with a hammer (on your head you pervert!) (_)drowned in a mud puddle in a parking lot (_)placed into a large sleeping bag and flung from the top of the ferris wheel AKA tube sock maneuver.
38) Your male cavies are left unsupervised and they all hump each other. We do not tolerate this sick behavior on this list. There's a demented list for that kind of filth. I think the list owner lives in San Bruno.
39) Your request to purchase (_)12 top-quality dalmatian sows (_)two trios of Best of Breed White Cresteds (_)Perfect Dutch for $10.00 is being reviewed. It's official. You're an idiot.
40) Yes, we could tell you the name of the Breeder of the Best Teddies. But then we'd have to kill you.
41) Your sow prayers are violating the Separation of Breeder and Moron
42) You sell cavies before they are one hour old. Even photos aren't ready that fast.
43) You took your cavy to the vet to have its nails trimmed
44) Failure to understand the multiple meanings of the word "cull".
45) You confused your Bumble Bees and your Beebalms
46) You pirated some copyrighted artwork and then pretended to act stupid about it. Or maybe you weren't pretending.
47) You didn't understand the "teletubbies" cavy joke. Go to
48) We are sick of your suicide threats. Take it to a list that cares.
49) You keep yapping about your bulldogs. Take that bull away.

50) After careful evaluation, it has been determined that you are a fresh-faced, extremely inexperienced newcomer that has trouble assimilating the knowledge you need to be an effective breeder of quality animals. You live in a dream world where every living creature reclines on a satin pillow, and reptiles eat dog chow instead of live prey. Your veterinary bills rival your mortgage, and all you own is pet garbage. When your kewpie-newbie stage is at an end, you may re-apply.

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